constructive thinking

really ive been meaning to write a few things down about my mission
for a long time

ive been thinking about it a lot lately
spencer and i talk about our missions alot
and i have a few family members who have recently left on their own missions, or are working towards puting their 'papers' in to serve one in the nearer future

a cute girl walked up to spencer and i at dinner the other night
and asked if my name was 'madison'

she said she read my blog,
and haha, i couldnt help but smile at how giddy she was
because she was puting her own mission papers in.

she looked really excited,
she had gone to the temple with a friend and was in town.
and she seemed to be glowing.

sister missionaries.
they crack me up.
but it just reminded me yet again..

ive been thinking about it  a lot lately

and sometimes i think about it so much it really moves me to tears
my mission wasnt the best eighteen months of my life
the best months and years of my life are now and ahead of me
with my best friend and husband

but my mission completely changed altered and transformed my life

and i cant and wont ever deny that
i may be same old madi
with my same quirks and flaws and mistakes and temper and impatience

but deep inside my heart im a different person
continually trying to be more like the person who got me out and through those eighteen months

-jesus christ

everytime i think about 2013-2015
it feels like a dream

it feels so far away 
now that im home

sometimes i wonder if that really happened
you know, leaving home for a year and a half and coming back

one of the strangest feelings you could experience is coming home to your old life after being gone for so long

another strange feeling is looking back and wondering where that time even went
how you even got out there, on a mission
and how on earth i ever stayed out

i wonder all the time how i lived away from home doing what i was doing for that long
how on earth i even ended up out there
or stayed out there

and i realize more and more everyday it wasnt me at all
i remember being out in the mission field after a couple months
missing home
struggling to figure out what i was doing
and how i was going to be persistant and have the courage to stay

and it wasnt my willpower
or my strength
or bravery
or me at all

i realzed pretty quckly if i was to accomplish anything
it would be through one person and one person only
and that was my savior, jesus christ

missions are hard
and alone they would be impossible
but somehow it turned into the most life altering experience
one you cant explain through a finite (and slightly lame) vocabulary like mine

like i said
sometimes i dont have words and it just moves me to tears
the people i met
the things i learned
the feelings i felt

i learned many things
but most importantly that all is possible through christ our lord

and if you can hold on to that
youll be good

im really grateful for that.

God has been so good to me
through those ive met adn the oppurtunities ive had
and shared with so many

i want to remember that always
and i want everyone to remember that always

its so hard
maybe not for some
but for some
its so hard to always remember everyting you have everything youve been given

were selfish
and want more
and want better
and we cant just shut up

maybe it would be easier to remember to be selfless if god was literally sitting next to me
talking me through this whole life thing

but i suppose we just keep working
keep learning
keep messing up, and fixing it

becoming more humble
more corageous 
more kind

i guess the whole idea of being a missionary never really 
its not over
its just different

and you just have all these alternatives tossed into the mix
like work

and you just have to become awesome

and remember the same thing as before
the only way to make it work is through christ
there is no other way

he is it 
he is everything


thats my chain of constructive thinking about god
while spencer is at school
and im listening to the paper kites.

better go start dinner.

namaste and goodnight


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